It’s funny, lately I’ve been referring to this blog and content creation in the past tense. Not because I have officially given it up, but because it feels like a very neglected hobby, and speaking about it in the present tense invites more questions than answers. Like many aspects of my life after launching a business, writing was put on the back burner. I’d like to say this is my triumphant return, but realistically, I can’t promise that. So instead, let’s call this my hey, it’s been a while.
Something that’s been on my mind a lot lately is identity. More specifically, my identity.
At the start of the year, one of my New Year’s resolutions was to create more content. And not just mom content, but content that touched on my other passions, such as fashion and cooking. But because life has lifed, I have mostly created mom content, simply because that’s what I can guarantee I am doing every day.
Weirdly though, I don’t see myself as a mom. Of course, I am one. The 36 hours of labor, mom pooch, macaroni and cheese covered toddler, perpetually messy living room, and constant exhaustion are telltale signs of motherhood. But the concept of defining myself as just a mom has never been my journey.
That said, outside of building my business, I am not exactly doing much outside of being a mom. Most of my outings are spent with my family. The one social thing I have as a guarantee on my calendar is meeting up with a group of mom entrepreneurs. And while our kids are ironically rarely the topic of discussion, we still are moms at the end of the day, and that is the glue that holds the group together.
It really clicked this season when I didn’t do Fashion Week. Not a single show. I watched from the sidelines between daycare pickup and drop-off and trips to Liberty Science Center. Candidly, it was a choice. I got a few invites, and I opted not to go for different reasons. But even with the voluntary skip, I still felt a pang of, I won’t call it FOMO, because I proudly have JOMO, joy of missing out, but more so a fear that I am establishing myself as someone who doesn’t do these things anymore.
And truthfully, maybe I’m not.
At my peak, I was doing up to 30 shows per season. I would leave my apartment in the morning, come home and change for some sort of party, then head back out, drinking whatever free signature drink concoction they were serving. My Fashion Week looks were featured in British Vogue, Essence, Nylon, and Cosmo. I even did a television appearance as a style commentator for H&M.
I can’t blame being a mom for my downramp out of the fashion girlie world. The truth is, that version of me never truly came back after the pandemic. I discovered comfort and not having chronic foot pain and didn’t look back.
So after we stopped wearing masks and everyone started dressing up again, 30 shows looked more like 3 or 4. Some seasons 1 or 2, and this season zero. I still get the thrill when the lights come up on the runway, or when I see street style looks pop up on my Instagram feed. But I can acknowledge that my rhythm has thoroughly changed, and yes, motherhood has something to do with it. Working alone from my apartment is another big factor, too.
I think the hard part is that while I accept that comfort and practicality make more sense, I miss that old version of me. And try as I might, I cannot seem to summon her, even when the occasion calls for it. I still get dressed with intention when it matters, but looks that I used to be able to pull together in my sleep are now created under extreme stress.
I even tried to do a style challenge where I got dressed every day for 30 days. I got to day 16 or 17, and when I say those days were a struggle, I am not exaggerating. Firstly, I shop significantly less than I used to. Secondly, I don’t go anywhere most days. So what exactly am I getting dressed up for? Then on the weekends, I am doing activities like MyGym, which literally has a shoes-off, socks-only policy.
Another layer is that I haven’t felt like this for my entire motherhood journey. When I returned to the office after maternity leave, I started easing back into my personal style and feeling good. I’d still make time for brunches and late night dinners, and when I did go out with Billie, I’d still wear a heel on occasion.
So what changed?
Well, I got laid off, so office days disappeared. And Billie, who used to sleep through entire meals, started trying to make a run for it mid-bite.
Realistically, this is the season I am in, and defining my identity feels more like an open-ended question than something with a clear answer. Because every day looks a little different.
I can’t force myself back into the person I used to be. But I can meet myself where I am. These aren’t groundbreaking, but they’ve helped me feel a little more like myself again.
So here are a few rules that I have been following:
- Take it up one notch.
Every time you leave the house, excluding daycare drop-off and pickup, pull yourself together. Put on an outfit that makes sense for the occasion, but is a little more elevated than what you would have thrown together lazily. It makes a difference in how you feel. - Stop forcing outfits that don’t exist.
If you truly have nothing to wear for an occasion, eliminate the stress. Just buy something new instead of trying to invent an outfit out of thin air. - Have a default formula.
When you’re stumped, fall back on combinations you know work. For me, it’s a turtleneck and jeans in the winter, and a button-down with shorts or jeans in the spring through fall, always finished with funky accessories. Sometimes the most chic outfit is simply one that’s pulled together. - Give yourself grace.
Some days you will look like a basic b*tch and your toddler will completely outshine you in her leopard pants. That’s okay too. Every day is not the same.
I wasn’t sure where I was going with this when I first started writing, but anywho, that’s my quarterly (yearly?) ramble. Be back sooner than last time (hopefully!).
Alexa Alfonso 